There are days when I stumble and I’m not my best self.
Not enough sleep, life not going like I’d like it to, the wrong number showing up on the scales or the sun not shining, can all impact how I behave with people.
I strive to be kind, respectful and friendly as often as I can but some days I get angry and upset at how people treat me.
This past week has been like that.
I’ve wanted to write about the details but it sounds so childish when I start thinking about what I would write.
I don’t want to stoop down to the level of some members of my extended family that called me names and expressed their extreme dislike of me. I don’t exactly know why they don’t like me. We used to get along and now it just hurts that they’ve rejected me, not because of something I’ve said to them or done to them, but because of gossip with other family members that has snowballed into something beyond recognition.
As I’ve continued thinking about the situation this week, processing it, having conversations with myself about it, I really do have to give myself a bit of a slap in the face and put my glasses on to see clearly.
These aren’t ordinary or even rose-coloured glasses.
These are the glasses of “I’ve lost a child”.
I have to ask myself, do these people mean more to me than my own child? Are they really worth being upset about? Upset is losing your child; people that don’t want to interact with you, even if they are relatives, even if family is my number one value, aren’t worth putting more energy into.
As my voice grows and becomes stronger, the people who don’t like what they hear will slip away. I should not fight to keep them in my circle and instead focus my energy on more writing.
As Liz Gilbert says in Big Magic:
Just say what you want to say . . . and say it with all your heart
So this is what I will do.